Today, I am supremely distracted. It is Wednesday morning and I was looking forward to two hours of peace and quiet sitting in my favorite coffee house with nothing on the agenda but thinking about, planning for and writing about my upcoming sabbatical. This is not what has happened.
It all started yesterday when I made an appointment to take my VW Beetle, which is used but has only been in my possession for 5 months, back to the Toyota dealer from which I bought it to investigate yet another issue. This is the 3rd time I've had to take this car in for service. I have now spent more than $1,000 in the past 5 months fixing this damn car. This time it was the starter, which of course is not covered under the 6 month 6,000 mile powertrain warranty that I received when I bought the car!
To top it all off, when I picked up the car and was driving home I realized that the radio wasn't working. So, back to Toyota again this morning to ask them to fix the radio (something I thought they should have taken care of in the first place!)
Of course, it wasn't an easy fix. This is something I'm learning about VWs - they're complicated. Toyota didn't have the right tool to remove the radio to find the 4 digit code that needs to be typed into the radio console in order to make it work. Apparently, this code business is a safety feature so that if someone steals your radio it's useless to them. I appreciate the effort but today that nice little anti-theft feature was a big fat pain in the ass! Before I left Toyota I asked for a $50 refund on my bill from yesterday and fortunately, the man I was working with quickly agreed. It's possible he could see the tears that were forming behind my eyes - when I'm angry, I cry. (I hate that!)
Then, I had to drive over to the VW dealer in Middleton so that they could remove the radio and get the code, which they did. BUT, I have to let the car run for an hour before I can input the code. My radio still isn't working. And, I didn't go to my favorite coffe spot, I went to a different spot that was closer to where I was after leaving the VW dealer. I didn't get there until almost 10:30. Even now, an hour later I'm still agitated and upset. I'm having a really hard time focusing on anything other than how frustrated I am that my nice quiet, relaxing, calming, fun dreaming morning has not been that at all.
It's really annoying that I'm so upset about this car business. It bothers me that I've had to spend so much money fixing a car I was hoping would run for at least a couple of years before it would need repairs. I keep thinking of what I could do with that money if I wasn't using it to fix my car. I feel guilty for all the driving I do and resent feeling so dependent on a car to get through my daily life. Paying for repairs just reminds me of my dependence and laziness - why couldn't I just take the bus or ride my bike or work from home?
On top of that, I feel helpless when I go to mechanics and I do not like feeling helpless. Ifeel like they look at me and see a sucker, someone they can take advantage of. I am aware in these times of how ignorant I am about all things mechanical and I have this really strong sense that because of that I am an easy target for their tricks. I've convinced myself that I pay more than anyone else simply because I don't know what questions to ask or which things to argue with and this leaves me feeling angry and just plain bad.
I am frustrated that I have allowed this ridiculous business with my car to so effectively derail me this morning. I have tried to focus on things other than my feelings of anger, unsettled-ness, shame and frustration but I haven't been effective - probably because I am reinforcing the bad feelings by feeling bad about feeling bad!
So, today, I am frustrated, overwhelmed, scattered and frazzled. I am not calm, focused, in tune with the Spirit's presence and movement. This coffee spot is distracting and jangly. A little girl is coughing repeatedly without covering her mouth. It's all wrong!
Last week I attended the Earl Lectures at Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley. The theme was Spiritual but not religious. I left those lectures with a strong conviction that I am on the right path for my life right now - exploring and reading and thinking and acting in ways that are consistent with the Spirit's call to me. I left those lectures feeling grounded, energized, excited about where I am and where I am going and what God is doing in me, in my community, in my friendships and other relationships. I also left knowing that I need and want to make a much stronger commitment to diving deeper into a spiritual journey. I need and want to do a better job of nurturing my own spirit to sustain the energy and enthusiasm and the stamina needed to be a transformational leader in the church and in people's lives. Today, I couldn't feel farther from being any of these things. And I've let a stupid little thing like problems with my car completely derail me from my place of calm and tranquility and self-assuredness.
Perhaps, I should give thanks for these problems. They are reminders that the mountaintops we experience, the times of clarity and certainty, the moments when we glimpse the path with clarity are so very precious but they are also so very fleeting. They come and they go. Thank God for the gift of these mountain top moments for without them much of life would lose meaning and would seem even more like an exercise in futility. Thank God also for the reminder that life is really lived in the valleys where we take one step after another hoping against hope that there is some reason, some meaning behind the struggles and the challenges of life.
So, I thank you God, for this reminder of my humanity. I thank you for this morning of frustration that is teaching me that I need to learn how to let go and trust your presence, your care, your love on the good days, during the times when I feel certain and confident and on the bad days when I feel shame or anger or frustration. Guide me through the rest of this day. Help me to breathe and let go of the frustration so that I can focus on the beauty of the sun shining through the window warming my back and telling of the coming Spring. Help me breathe and embrace the joy of another day of life lived in your presence. Amen
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11 hours ago
Hi Tish, Craig here from Advent, I enjoy reading your posts, actually it's refreshing to know that pastors are human too and that they have irritations just like everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that even with our faith we are immune to feeling this way, and I often find myself looking rather dim sighted when it occurs, but then I also understand that the need to grow more spirtually is what we all need to grow some patience with the ways things are. Thank you always for your wonderful sermons!!